April 27th, 2009

A Musical Guide To Recognizing Swine Flu

Swine flu “fever” (get it? see what I did there?) is gripping America! It’s only a matter of time before the infection hits Philly, leaving only Will Smith and and his trusty German Shepherd hunting for food and supplies on Girard Avenue, renting movies at TLA Video, and hitting golf balls into the river at Penn’s Landing, and all we can do is laugh in the face of this new bubonic plague before it claims each and every one of us. In the interests of public service — and so you can get your affairs in order, say goodbye to your loved ones, and do all the things you’ve ever wanted to do in Philly before you croak, like walk up to Joey Vento and punch him square in the face — we’ve put together an easy-to-remember musical guide to recognizing if you’ve contracted swine flu:

It begins with a cough, much like Black Sabbath’s “Sweet Leaf”:

Next comes a “lite sneeze”:

Then, of course, fever and chills:

Puking may occur:

And diarrhea, too:

Then it starts to get bad, with the onset of confusion:

And you get dizzy:

You’ll ask yourself, “Why can’t I breathe?”

Then you pass out:

And then you die:

Hope that helps!

Posted by Michael Alan Goldberg | Posted in Features |

Related Stories

• Who Do You Like Better: Motley Flu or Snortishead?