June 1st, 2009
Photo Essay: The Philly Air Guitar Championships!!
Wow. I’m still blown away by the sights, the sounds, and the smells of the Philadelphia regional Air Guitar Championships on Saturday night at the packed and enthusiastic Khyber. A total of 18 contestants, including returning Philly champ Windhammer, vied to become our area’s representative at the U.S. Air Guitar Championships later this year in Washington, D.C. — the winner of which travels to Finland to battle for the title of World Air Guitar Champion. Like American Idol, but a bazillion times better, the competition featured inspired performances, a few duds, brutal judges, drama, surprises, meltdowns, unlikely heroes, sexual ambiguity, laughter, tears, and an epic final showdown to determine the victor. Here, in photos [a couple of them NSFW] and words, is a blow-by-blow account of the festivities:
The contestants, including 2008 champion Windhammer (right), arrive at the Khyber and greet one another prior to showtime.
Host & reigning World Air Guitar Champion Hot Lixx Hulahan (right), and judge & air guitar legend Bjorn Turoque (left) strike a pose before the show gets underway.
Upstairs, the contestants — including Air Wolf of London — sign in, relax, and have a few beers prior to showtime.
Ricky Stinkfinger (right) and the others get into costume.
Fender Splendor and Windhammer get in some practice licks…
The Khyber begins to fill up, and the Boone’s Farm — the official sponsor of the U.S. Air Guitar Championships — is flowing…
Ladies love air guitar!
Hot Lixx and Bjorn — with the help of the Boone’s Farm Girls — show the crowd how it’s done.
Hot Lixx displays his World Championship-winning form.
Your hilarious, scathing, and foul-mouthed judges: Illinois singer Chris “Arch” Archibald, Bjorn Turoque, and music industry “hotshot” Min-Q Kim. Scoring is based on technical skill, stage presence, and the ineffable notion of “airness,” which, as Hot Lixx explained, is like pornography: You know it when you see it.
The first round begins! Each contestant performs to the music of their choosing for 60 seconds. Air Wolf of London draws the unenviable leadoff spot, but fares well with the judges.
“You look like you came here straight from your job at a Schlitz plant in Detroit.”
More semi-entertaining but ultimately low-scoring first-round performances, including one contestant who, despite his attire, didn’t quite “throw caution to the wind.”
Air-guitar-face.
Eat your heart out, Loverboy.
Bjorn Tu-joke.
The first real star of the first round is Fender Splendor, with his high-energy, high-scoring performance.
And his handstands and flips.
Last year’s runner-up, Airistotle — affectionately referred to by the judges as “McLovin’,” and possibly the skinniest man alive — brings the fury, gets the crowd pumped, and picks up a big score.
The ancient one, Blurred Knuckles — the Jamie Moyer of this year’s Philly regional championships because he’s been competing regularly since roughly 1883 — proves that finesse is just as good as speed in obtaining a high score.
Ricky Stinkfinger tosses up a talcum powder cloud a la LeBron James, and then turns in one of the best, hairiest, most colorful, and most underwear-stuffingest round-one performances.
The leaps were righteous!
And then, closing out round one…none other than Windhammer, thrilling and scaring the bejeezus out of everyone with his terrifying glare and power stance…
…and some truly fearful air-shredding.
Time for a brief intermission while the scores are tabulated to figure out the five contestants who will move on to round two. A troupe of non-competing, bizarrely costumed air guitarists takes the stage and rocks out for a few minutes.
The lone female member of the group lifts up her shirt, a popular move with the Khyber crowd. Hot Lixx doesn’t look amused, however…
Round two is about to begin, and there’s a surprise: Because of a tie, there will be six contestants moving on! Air Wolf of London, Windhammer, Airistotle, Fender Splender, Blurred Knuckles, and Ricky Stinkfinger will each perform for 60 seconds. The “secret” song they’ll be air guitaring to is unveiled: Anthrax’s “Got the Time.”
Blurred Knuckles shows there’s still some fight in this old dog.
Ricky Stinkfinger gives it his best shot and leaves it all out on the floor.
Same with Air Wolf of London.
Airistotle brings it again! A fan favorite! But the judges are somewhat less impressed, imploring him to go eat a cheeseburger.
Windhammer brings the power stance and the rock (and the chaps) once again, then stares down the judges with silent intensity until they begin to squirm and wilt and are compelled to give him a high score.
Fender Splendor brings the acrobatics and leaps into the crowd. The people, and the judges, go wild!
It’s the end of the second round and…ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie between Fender Splendor and Windhammer! This can only mean one thing: Air-off!!! They’ll each perform for 60 seconds to Guns ‘n’ Roses’ “Paradise City” to determine the winner…
A coin flip…and Fender Splendor goes first. Clearly drained from the first two grueling rounds, he nonetheless summons every ounce of his energy and courage.
The scores come in. They’re very good. But will they be good enough? Fender Splendor can only fret as he steps aside while Windhammer gets ready to rock.
Windhammer shreds extra fierce. The crowd chants his name! Windhammer! Windhammer! Windhammer!
He ends with a split!
The scores from all three rounds are tallied. It’s gonna be close! The tension is unbearable! And the winner is……
Fender Splendor! He bests Windhammer by a mere three tenths of a point! He can’t believe it!!
In a beautiful display of friendship and sportsmanship (and airmanship), all the contestants — and members of the crowd — hop onstage for a massive air-jam to Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Freebird.”
“Freebird!!!!”
An utterly exhausted but jubilant Fender Splendor accepts congratulations from his fellow competitors.
Ladies and gentlemen … your 2009 Philadelphia Air Guitar Champion …
Fender Splendor!!!!!!
[All photos by Michael Alan Goldberg.]
One Response to “Photo Essay: The Philly Air Guitar Championships!!”
By Philip Wheeler on Jun 13, 2009
FROM THE DESK OF AIR GUITAR’S JAMIE MOYER:
So, I and many of my friends are thankful to you for the pictures you took and posted about this year’s Philly competition. They all knew I’d been doing this, but never had any visual references. I posted the two you took of me on FB and have gotten raves. I’m the better for your having done so – I use your “Jamie Moyer” reference often in describing the evening, as well as one of the judges comments “I know WIZARDS younger than you” I posted the link to this page on my website, but I wanted to dash off a quick note of thanks – I’m receiving a lot of love from those in my world through your efforts, and it’s very much appreciated.
- Philip Wheeler, “Blurred Knuckles”