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July 12th, 2012

What If Van Halen Hadn’t Canceled Their Tour? PW’s Subjunctive Review of a Hypothetical Concert from an Alternate Universe

Van-Halen-wallpaper“We’re gonna do fucked-up stuff to your face holes tonight!” David Lee Roth would have screamed, and with that disgusting promise, legendary rockers Van Halen would have begun their almost two-hour set at a sold-out Wells Fargo Center. Featuring Eddie Van Halen on guitar, his 21-year-old son Wolfgang on bass, Alex Van Halen on drums, and lead vocalist (and “official bikini inspector”) Dr. Rockzo Roth, the group would have opened with the 1984 hit “Panama,” dedicating it to the late Ernest Borgnine. The four band members—all clad in leather cargo pants—would have quickly surprised the many skeptics in the audience with their still-sharp abilities. (David would have boasted that they were “as tight as a Laotian drummer boy.”)

After whipping up the crowd with the reminder that they were actually playing this show and would never dream of doing anything like, say, canceling their entire tour due to “exhaustion” then spending their off time hyping a possible Super Bowl halftime appearance, Van Halen would have ripped through some of their many hits. Fan requests for classics like “Hot For Teacher” and “Beautiful Girls” would have been immediately fulfilled—although some requests, such as “Do that song where David Lee Roth finally announces he’s gay!” would have gone unanswered. Their 19-song setlist also would have contained four tracks off their new record (which we would never have got the name of), along with a surprising medley of tunes from Van Halen III, the 1998 album by the Gary Cherone-led line-up, that would have completely delighted the crowd.

Unfortunately, the most memorable moments of the night would have been the bad ones. Before launching into their cover of “Dancing In The Street,” David would have dedicated the song to axed original bassist Michael Anthony, whom he would have claimed was “out making hot sauces or something.” This quip would have immediately angered Alex, who’d have jumped up from behind his drums and angrily fired back, “Hey, his hot sauces are pretty good!” Eddie would have quickly joined in defense of their former member, claiming that Roth “never gave his hot sauces a chance.” It would have been very clear this was still a touchy subject. The verbal scuffle would have had to be broken up by the most sensible and levelheaded person onstage, a 21-year-old named Wolfgang.

The tension would have gotten progressively worse throughout the night, finally reaching its climax during Roth’s band introductions—“Let’s hear it for Eddie, ladies and gentlemen! He’s not that drunk tonight! Owww!” Furiously, Eddie and Alex would have made a beeline offstage while Wolfgang shook his head, telling the singer that the remark was, in his words, “not cool.” As the bassist followed the other members in protest, Roth would have called for the younger Van Halen to stay, though he would have kept erroneously referring to him as “Skip.”

With no band behind him, David would have looked upon the awkwardly quiet crowd with tears in his eyes and exclaimed that “The show must go on!” And so it would have, for 20 more surreal minutes. Roth would have spent the first part graphically air-humping an imaginary girl. It would have been weird. Next, he would have performed a long spoken-word piece entitled “The Best Pussy I Ever Got,” explaining that it was currently being worked into a screenplay. When it became obvious that he was losing the crowd, he would have attempted to win them back by performing an a capella version of “Runnin’ With The Devil.”

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He then would have sobbed some more until the house lights went up.

Rating: 6 stars out of 10

  1. 4 Responses to “What If Van Halen Hadn’t Canceled Their Tour? PW’s Subjunctive Review of a Hypothetical Concert from an Alternate Universe”

  2. By Paul on Jul 13, 2012

    This is the most ridiculous thing if have ever read. Even the logo you chose is incorrect as it is from the VanHagar shit era. Why do you waste your time writing crap like this. Whether the band is getting along or not behind the scenes who really cares. Just as long as they can function as a band on stage and keep making kick ass records that is all that matters. This band is iconic and will lead the way in the rock world until Eddie or Dave drops dead.

  3. By Neil on Jul 13, 2012

    This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. Rediculously funny, that is. I love the comment above, “just as long as they can funtion as a band,” (they can’t) “and keep making kick ass records” (the new album is thier first in almost 15 years, and the first good one since 1991). To me, VH is the best band of all time, but they work harder at tarnishing their own legacy than they do working hard to create music or pleasing their fans!

  4. By Falgi on Jul 14, 2012

    I saw them front row center in Houston on June 24, 2012, and in the 80’s was always in awe of Diamond Dave but this time, all eyes were on Eddie as Dave just seemed a “has been”. He rambled, cursed and attempted to dance. While I rocked and stood every minute, the sound was less than stellar but nevertheless, it’s one to cross off my bucket list as it was my third and obviously last time to see the greatest in action

  5. By ron hanforth on Jul 15, 2012

    Any simpleton can see the pure jealousy seething through every word the author of this piece of garbage has written..No doubt he was a pimple faced 18 year old when his girlfriend was invited backstage somewhere in the 80’s and he was left to hold his d@@@k in his hand as Diamond Dave took care of her..Poor Schmuck has waited all this time to write a hatchet job on them to satisfy his revenge..How pathetic and sad..

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