WATCH: Arlen Specter’s Entire Stand-up Comedy Act at Helium Last Night
Yes, former Senator Arlen Specter showed up at Helium for their Tuesday night open mic last night. Yes, he killed it. And yes, PhillyNow was there. Initial impression: His jokes were really long and drawn out, which is actually what made them so good. When’s the last time you heard a former Senator talk about Viagra and/or a disabled man’s penis? Thought so. Either way, where we go, we bring an iPhone and its video ability. (What we didn’t film: Every other comedian’s sad joke about the Warren Commission.)
Watch the video below (and turn up your volume), or scroll down for the Top 5 Jokes Told by Arlen Specter.
Will Rogers said when Congress tells a joke, it becomes a law. Whenever Congress passes a law, it turns out to be a joke. So, I’ve been in comedy now for 30 years. The only difference is it’s not standup—we all have comfortable chairs. It costs about $27 million to have a seat in the United States Senate so when you win one, you like to sit down.
I called Bill Clinton up on his 65th birthday and I said, ‘Bill, congratulations on being 65. How do you feel?’ He said, ‘Arlen, I feel like a teenager. The problem is, I can’t find one. I just came down to breakfast and I said, ‘I shaved and, I feel 10 years younger.’ Hillary scowled at him and said, ‘Why the hell didn’t you shave last night?’’
You might not have heard about Governor Christie. During the last hurricane, Christie’s seashore house was totally demolished. And he didn’t mind too much that the house was destroyed but he was really upset that it destroyed his entire library—both books. And he wasn’t finished coloring one of them.
Herman Cain. I should have started with Herman Cain. He gets a hell of a laugh just by being identified. Herman Cain has had a really checkered career: 9, 9, and 9, four women came out of the woodwork than there was wood. But people don’t know this, that Cain has had a long-standing problem since he was an adolescent. No matter how hard his teachers tried, they couldn’t persuade Herman Cain that harassed was one word.
The Americans for Disability Act was an important legislative accomplishment that I participated in, and there is no discouraging that. But this is a story about a woman who advertised on the internet for a new lover. She put it on the Internet that she– all of her boyfriends walked out on her. And those that didn’t walk out on her beat her up. And there was another requirement. She wanted someone who was sexy and good in bed. A few days later the doorbell rang. She was upstairs. The doorbell rang again, really loud. She hurried down the steps and the doorbell rang a third time; just a long blast. She opens the door, she sees sitting there, a paraplegic. She says, ‘What are you doing here?’ He said, ‘Lady, I came to answer your ad on the Internet.’ ‘What do you mean?’ He said, ‘Look, you advertised that all of your boyfriends walked out on you. Well, I can’t walk out on you I’ve got no legs. You said all your boyfriends beat you up. Well, I can’t beat you up: I have no arms.’ She scowls and said, ‘Yeah but you missed the most important point. I want someone who’s really great in bed, really sexy.’ He looked at her and said,
‘I rang the doorbell didn’t I?’