Hey, a boring white guy won both the Michigan and Arizona primaries last night! This time, it was former Massachusetts governor and noted Wigpiece Mitt Romney, who some say is now all but the nominee. He beat former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum 41-38 in Michigan and destroyed him in Arizona, 47-26. There is now, officially, a Republican candidate who can win more than 40 percent of the vote on a given night.

Next up: Super Tuesday. March 5. Over 400 delegates are at stake.

Rick Santorum claims he may end up with more Michigan delegates than Romney when all votes are counted, since votes are handed out in Michigan by congressional district. “The people of Michigan looked into the hearts of the candidates,” he said during his concession speech last night, “and all I have to say is, I love you back.”

Romney said during his victory speech he’s going to make the federal government “simpler, smaller and smarter.” He meant to add: ‘Somehow.’ And sing ‘America the Beautiful.’

Haha, Newt Gingrich.

Former Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell thinks this whole thing is helping the Democratic Party. “The Clinton-Obama primary made Barack a stronger candidate, whereas I think this will make whoever emerges inherently a weaker candidate,” he said. “In terms of reelecting the president and bringing back a Democratic Congress, I’m delighted. … In terms of taking the longer view and the effect on American democracy, in many ways it’s heartbreaking.” He meant to add: ‘For some reason I don’t know.’

The Senate is set to vote on the Obamacare ‘Contraception Mandate,’ since this is the year 1912. Remember ‘Pro Life Democrat’ and Pennsylvania silent film actor Bob Casey? He, along with the self-loathing wing of the Democratic Party (Joe Manchin, Claire McCatskill, probably Joe Lieberman and Ben Nelson) are set to cast some of the deciding votes on the bill.

Lame: The co-owners of the now former pop-up Philadelphia restaurant ‘Roundeye Noodle’ have decided to give in to the pressure and change the name of their restaurant, amid charges of racism. Co-owner Shawn Darragh told Fox News he never meant to offend anyone.

Here’s a neat little story about Dr. Richard Baron, a former Mt. Airy doctor who has been tapped to join the Obama Administration in its Reptilian Humanoid Trilateral Commission Obamacare Venture.

Gov. Tom Corbett’s Public Welfare Secretary was slammed by Democrats from across the state yesterday over the $629 million in welfare cuts. Philadelphia State Sen. Vincent Hughes of Philadelphia told Sec. Alexander, “You’ve got to respond to everyone in this commonwealth of Pennsylvania when the costs are going to skyrocket in other places because of these cuts. How do you make this whole thing work? … These are women, these are seniors. The support network is being taken from them. It’s a crisis they didn’t create. The big cats are getting taken care of with the tax cuts. … How do these people intend to get by? What do you anticipate will happen to them in this situation?”

The Philadelphia Parking Authority predicts about $13 million of its $50 million going to the school district, and $37 heading to the city itself.

The Nutter Administration says they will not raise taxes in the fiscal year 2013 budget, which will likely by unveiled next week.

Pennsylvania Attorney General candidate Patrick Murphy has been writing in his campaign mail that he’s set to fight Gov. Tom Corbett and “Tea Party Republicans.” Now, Tea Party Republicans are wondering if that’s what an Attorney General should be, you know, doing.