Bikini Girls with Machine Guns

Photo by our very own Michael Persico

Heads up for all those that have a less boring bra size than me: there’s a neat piece by Felicia D’Ambrosio over at City Paper on getting a custom bathing suit for her above-average rack at Topstitch boutique in Old City.

Finding a bikini that could contain the monsters without evoking Auntie Pearl in her bathing cap has occupied my last five springs, with poor results. Everything was too matronly (all D-cup-specific lines), too expensive (Betsy Johnson’s bra-kinis) or better suited for Rio or Nantucket than the Jersey Shore (Victoria’s Secret, J. Crew). I vented my retail frustration to the ladies of Topstitch Boutique one day and was thrilled when designer Emily Geddes offered to construct me a custom suit.

D’Ambrosio doesn’t mention how much the custom suit ran her, and it would probably vary from person to person; but seeing as how she disqualifies Betsey Johnson bikinis earlier in the piece for being too expensive, I figured it had to be under $200. Then I said, Emily G, you lazy ass. Call… the other Emily G… and find out.

Unfortunately, Other Emily G gets in at 11, and it is currently 10:40. So in the meantime, here’s another spot for handmade bathing suits that I love: etsy’s LAdramaqueen.

Maybe it’s the way the suits incorporate the parts of vintage suits I like (the shape) and leave most of the parts I don’t like (the fabric) at home. Maybe it’s because the models, unlike most swimsuit models, don’t make me feel quite so ungodly pale. Maybe it’s because the suits all look beautifully constructed and come fully lined. Maybe it’s this totally amazing user profile:

Hello, my name is Tani Marie.

I have been handcrafting clubwear, swimwear and lingerie since 1999. I learned my craft building exotic dancewear. I was hired as a house mom at a gentlemen’s club and started selling clothes that I purchased to the dancers. Not being impressed with the clothes available, I decided to start making them. After a few months of designing and experimentation I was able to construct outfits to sell. Six months later, having a large variety of patterns, styles and custom orders it was time to do it full time.

The experience gave me incredible insight into fitting and complementing for all body types. My style has always leaned to the sexy side, and I draw inspiration from hip hop, 80’s punk rock, classic funk, classic pin ups, classic cinema, anime, lowrider cars and bicycles, roller skating and surfing.

But whatever it was, I’d had that chevron maillot on the left open in a firefox tab for about a week and a half, trying to decide whether it was worth spending $110, but it looks like I waited too long and it’s sold out. Sad face. But all the others are still available for about the same price.

And now it’s 11:15 (blogging: a surprisingly time-consuming process), so let’s try Other Emily G again!

…

…OK, so Other Emily G’s still not in yet, but the nice lady who answered the phone last time said that she’s talked to the owner since I last called; for a suit like the one in City Paper, it’d probably be $125-$150, maybe a little more if there are a lot of fitting issues. Try to bring a bra or swimsuit you already know fits you well if you suspect that you’re outside the norm.

You’d need to make an appointment for a fitting, which can be just about any time during their business hours just so long as you let them know beforehand.

Topstitch Boutique
54 N. 3rd Street
215.238.8877
topstitchboutique.com

HOURS:

T-Th 11 a.m.-7 p.m.
F-Sat 11 a.m.-8 p.m.
Sun noon-5 p.m.

P.S. Uh, no actual machine guns in this post, I’ve just had the Cramps stuck in my head while writing this. For all the bullet belts, patent leather and, yes, actual bikini girls with machine guns you can handle, I suggest you watch the video: