Top 6 Summer Don’ts

1. Socks & Sandals – There’s no excuse for this. The whole point of  sandals is to show off your feet and let them breathe. Wearing socks with sandals means: a) you have ugly feet, b) you’re a tourist or c) your house smells like potatoes.

2. Tight Clothing – This is a year-round problem, but during the summer it becomes an epidemic. Clothing becomes a weapon to the eyes as many unfortunate souls fool themselves into believing that they can fit into last year’s tank top that’s two sizes too small. For your sake and mine, please stop! If not for me, then for the children!

3. Fanny packs – In the world of bags, fanny packs are the inbred cousin that your aunt and uncle hide in the basement. Sure, they prevent theft (I mean, no one’s gonna take a swipe at your junk just to get what’s in your fanny pack), but I’d rather take my chances with a thief. I don’t care if you saw some chick wearing one at Fiume last night.

4. Men’s tank tops – This is foggy territory. Some men look OK in tanks; others look like they should be making out with Snooki. How do you know if you’re pulling off the look? Well, if women cringe at the sight of you and babies cry, then maybe this look is not for you.

5. Short Shorts – This applies to men and women: I SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR THIGHS TOUCH, no matter what size you are. Wear your shorts at an appropriate length.

6. Jorts – Men. Jorts make you look like you’re on your way to a Pokemon tournament. That is all.