The American media has really done a stellar job dissecting each and every inconsequential goddamn detail about this election.
In fact, thanks to CNN’s coverage of the first two presidential debates, I now know so much about the hidden messages in the candidate’s body language that I can practically deduce the shape and consistency of their daily bowel movements.
I mean, at the end of the day, how can we back either candidate unless we know what sort of apparel, accessories and housewares they have to offer their supporters? And with all those elusive undecided voters still out there, this election could very well come down to a Biden beer koozie.
Anyway, here’s how their stuff stacks up:
1. Diversity. With poll numbers slatted to be very close, both sides of the ticket really want to make sure they’ve got something for everyone. And while the Romney camp only has gear specifically targeting Catholics, veterans and young Americans, Obama’s camp is clearly trying to court every minority and interest group it can—Latinos, Hispanics, Asian Americans & Pacific Islanders, Jewish Americans, nurses, babies, basketball players, dogs, etc. [Winner: Obama]
2. Affordability. The price tag on their respective gear is sorta like a barometer for the candidate’s commitment to the middle class. That said, Obama and Romney appear equally committed (a t-shirt for either will run you about $30). Both camps also appear equally desperate for cheap endorsement: Obama is taking 30 percent off all bulk rate items as well as slashing prices on select items while Romney is offering free shipping for a limited time. [Winner: Tie]
3. Authenticity. You bet your ass all of their garments and products are 100 percent American-made. These guys aren’t that stupid (yeah, I’m talking to you Ralph Lauren). [Winner: Tie]
4. Gender Equality. Given his recent “binders full of women” comment, it should come as no surprise that a photo of smiling Republican ladies currently graces the header of Romney’s store. And yet, the only items he actually offers the women of America is an ugly necklace, a “I’m A Mom For Mitt” sticker, super-creepy Ann Romney buttons and one measly “Women For Mitt” t-shirt which isn’t even cut for a woman. [Winner: Obama]
5. Overall appeal. There’s really no contest—the Prez wins by a landslide. Just how cool is Obama’s gear? Well, back in January, his campaign launched “Runway to Win,” a line of t-shirts and accessories designed by some of the biggest names in the fashion industry including, Vera Wang, Jason Wu and Tory Burch. Now, I realize Obama has had four-year head start, but given the fact that Romney has enough money that he could supply every American with a t-shirt made out of $20 dollar bills, there’s really no excuse for just how limited and lackluster his selection of merch is. Seriously dude, you’re trying to unseat the incumbent president. Wouldn’t kill ya to spruce up your logos. [Winner: Democrats]