Did you guys watch this monstrosity last night? It’s basically a shameless CBS program at this point with insane cross-promotional opportunites abounding. And also, the nominations and the winners were absolutely mind-blowing. I’d like to break down some of the musical moments of last night without sounding like an indie dork, but, really, anyone who even knows who Passion Pit is might look at the nominees and winners and ask “Who the hell is voting? And can tweens vote more than once?”
For starters, this chick named Kaley Cuoco hosted the whole affair. She’s on The Big Bang Theory (How, on God’s green earth, is this show so damn successful?) and a look at her IMDB filmography is kind of fun: she’s been in tons of TV shows, but movies? The Penthouse (2010), Hop (2011), Cougar Club (2007) and Killer Movie (2008) lead her big screen credits. Nevertheless, she was pretty charming, funny and rather unobnoxious. Tough act to pull off for a bogus award show. As it turns out, the People’s Choice Awards has been happening since 1975 and, in one eerie early moment, Cuoco cited the sheer number of votes tallied as (can’t find it anywhere on the internet) something like two to three times as many votes were cast for our soon-to-be-sworn-in-for-his-second-term-President Barack Obama. Twisted, y’all.
Anyway, let’s get to the really mind-numbing categories that left me making bewildered faces all night. The night started out with that damn Taylor Swift winning Favorite Country Artist (beating Blake Shelton, Tim McGraw, Jason Aldean and Carrie Underwood). SHE’S BARELY A COUNTRY ARTIST ANYMORE! Is the dumbing down of music making teenagers who are obssessed with T Swift fucking everything up, or is that just me? Let’s just chalk this one up to the power of teens having the internet.
Let’s be real, the most amusing category of the night? Favorite Band: not only did Maroon 5 (well, Adam Levine won, right?) win, but they/he beat out stellar, solid bands like No Doubt, Green Day, Linkin Park, and… TRAIN! How do these nominees get decided!?
How about Favorite Album and Favorite Song. This should be good, right? Despite the brutal competition in the Album category from Carrie Underwood’s Blown Away, Bieber’s Believe, fun.’s Some Nights, and Adam Levine’s… er Maroon 5’s Overexposed, the award went to One Direction’s Up All Night. Yup, pretty much par. In light of this tidbit, as far as song goes, you won’t be surprised by this winner – it was One Direction’s “What Makes You Beautiful.” Stiff competish, be damned: Carly Rae’s “Call Me Maybe,” “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” the fun. and Janelle Monae jawn, “We Are Young,” and the Maroon 5 schlock, “One More Night.”
Katy Perry cleaned house – she won for Favorite Music Video, Favorite Female Artist, Favorite Pop Artist, AND Favorite Music Fan Following (more on this in a moment). Zero point zero of the videos competing are surprising or smart (it’s a small wonder that friggen’ “Gagnam Style” didn’t win). We’re just proud of P!nk for getting nominated in the Female and Pop Artist categories. Other Pop Artist nominees were Adele, Demi Lovato (she is the. worst.), and Biebs. One last note on this category. You’ve heard of Biebs fans being called Beliebers (also nominated in said music fan category), and maybe even One Direction fans being called Directioners. But did you know that there are Demi Lovato fans who call themselves Lovatics and Selena Gomez fans who call themselves Selenators? Turns out Katy’s fanbase call themselves KatyCats. TRUTH.
Always hilarious is to see who gets noms in the Favorite Hip Hop Artist and Favorite R&B Artist. Who are these basic white teens going to choose in a category they know so very, very little about? Nicki Minaj, obviously, and Rihanna, respectively. Nicki beat out, get this, Drake, Flo Rida, Pitbull and Jay-Z. I’d argue that Flo Rida and Pitbull ARE NOT RAPPERS OR HIP-HOP ARTISTS, AT ALL. R&B? Alicia Keys, Beyonce, Bruno Mars and Usher. Those aren’t so ridiculous, we guess.
Speaking of Alicia Keys, she turned in a mediocre, lukewarm performance of a blend of the intro to “Girl on Fire” into “New Day.” Christina Aguilera gave an even more horrific over-performed vocal performance of a song that I was shouting over “JUST STOP!” She gave a rambling and way-too-long acceptance speech for the award for the people’s choice of Favorite Voice. What is this world coming to?