Top 6 Summer Don’ts
1. Socks & Sandals – There’s no excuse for this. The whole point of sandals is to show off your feet and let them breathe. Wearing socks with sandals means: a) you have ugly feet, b) you’re a tourist or c) your house smells like potatoes.
2. Tight Clothing – This is a year-round problem, but during the summer it becomes an epidemic. Clothing becomes a weapon to the eyes as many unfortunate souls fool themselves into believing that they can fit into last year’s tank top that’s two sizes too small. For your sake and mine, please stop! If not for me, then for the children!
3. Fanny packs – In the world of bags, fanny packs are the inbred cousin that your aunt and uncle hide in the basement. Sure, they prevent theft (I mean, no one’s gonna take a swipe at your junk just to get what’s in your fanny pack), but I’d rather take my chances with a thief. I don’t care if you saw some chick wearing one at Fiume last night.
4. Men’s tank tops – This is foggy territory. Some men look OK in tanks; others look like they should be making out with Snooki. How do you know if you’re pulling off the look? Well, if women cringe at the sight of you and babies cry, then maybe this look is not for you.
5. Short Shorts – This applies to men and women: I SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR THIGHS TOUCH, no matter what size you are. Wear your shorts at an appropriate length.
6. Jorts – Men. Jorts make you look like you’re on your way to a Pokemon tournament. That is all.
Valentine’s Day Dos and Don’ts
DO send valentines the lazy way by sending a sassy e-card to whomever you adore.
DON’T assume that the holiday justifies tacky heart accessories that NEVER look cool on anyone over the age of six.
DO go out with a gal pal for margaritas if a date doesn’t pan out.
DON’T go out with the “nice dude” you totally aren’t into just for the hell of it. (Unless you want non-stop rambly phone messages, whiny emo ballad mix CDs you never asked for, and that creepy kind of nervous habit characteristic of female characters in Lifetime movies who peek around door frames to assure dude isn’t lurking around the corner with a bouquet of her favorite flowers.) The bottom line: if you try and make it into something it’s not, you’ll have a story to contribute to this fine work of chick lit.
DO send a mass text. Apparently tomorrow will be a record breaking day for mobile messaging. SRSLY! And by mass text, I’m assuming you already know to take your douchey ex out of the list of recipients.
DON’T sit through a date with a text-er. LAME.