Downshifting on the Liz-o-meter

I’m depressed. I don’t know why. It came on quite suddenly, but it’s been a few days now. Part of it is that I’m having such detailed vivid dreams that I feel overwhelmed by them. In fact, in my dreams I was begging people to get me out of them, as though it was a parallel universe I could be lifted out of. When I wake up, I just feel exhausted by everything I’ve gone through during the night. It’s kind of miserable.

My mom (pictured here in a photo from the ’70s) is having surgery tomorrow (nothing major, I hope). Could that be the trigger for the depression? (Two nights ago I dreamt Rosie O’Donnell and I were talking about our mothers because both of them were having surgery on the same day. These dreams are so pointless.) I’ve also changed my responsibilities at work somewhat, which takes me out of the deadline action. Is that depressing me? To not be needed? I feel like I have to find the source so I can exorcise whatever demon.

This kind of sudden depression always makes me question my past actions. Have I been manic? I see all kinds of evidence for it, but I just thought the Effexor was working and I wasn’t depressed. Now I have to call all that happiness and activity into question. This illness really throws off your sense of yourself and your own experience.

I’m at home right now, but I’m going to get up and out of here. It’s always better to be active when you’re depressed, to force yourself to engage with the world. Well, almost always.

liz | 11:02 AM | Uncategorized