Marching to a the beat…

Those of us with mental illnesses have long ago accustomed ourselves to thinking differently than most others do. I feel this is especially true with melancholy, a sensation that is a constant friend to me. I recently rediscovered a song by the late Townes Van Zandt (who was also diagnosed with mental illness, and who endured barbaric insulin shock treatments) that describes my sadness beautifully. Here are excerpted lyrics from “The Highway Kind.” These two stanzas really speak to the way I feel.

Time among the pine trees
It felt like breath of air
Usually I just walk these streets
And tell myself to care.
Sometimes I believe me
And sometimes I don’t hear.
Sometimes the shape I’m in
Won’t let me go.

Well, I don’t know too much for true
But my heart knows how to pound
My legs know how to love someone
My voice knows how to sound.
Shame that it’s not enough
Shame that it is a shame.
Follow the circle down
Where would you be?

liz | 11:00 AM | Uncategorized

More responses to what’s become an interesting discussion of suicide

From Sally:

I don’t know if I’ve posted this before. Once I made a a suicide gesture (that’s what the therapists call it). I had left my ex husband, and was suffering from heartbreak, betrayal, fear, etc. I walked into the bathroom where my mother had left a big bottle of phenobarbital on the counter, looked at myself in the mirror and decided I didn’t deserve to live through such misery and I took the pills. I then went back to my Dad’s office, sat down and waited to die. After a few minutes I walked back in to the bath room, looked myself in the mirror and thought, in the grand scheme of things even if I live to be 100, my life will have been short, I don’t deserve to die. And I called 911. I hadn’t even taken enough pills to get my stomach pumped. But I was lucky that I tried suicide in a way that gave me a chance to change my mind. I’ll never try it again, that was 22 years ago. I’ve lost several people I cared very much about to suicide, people who, using different methods from me, weren’t able to turn back even if they changed their minds.

So I think it’s important to discuss suicide. These days my thinking is along the lines of “suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem,” but I really don’t know. I think somehow reading real-life stories of suicide may change some minds while there’s still time.

liz | 7:45 PM | Uncategorized

Just enough suicide

In response to Terry’s thought that I perhaps cover suicide too much, Wendi writes:

Like most depressives, I face suicide everyday. I stare it down daily, and so far, everyday, I’ve won the battle. It’s very real to me, just as much a part of my life as deciding what to wear everyday. When I read about other people’s suicides, it’s a chance for me to not only mourn that person’s death with true compassion, but also to celebrate my own decision to live that day. I value compassionate observance, what I find here. I shrink from the sensationalism of the media coverage, which only serves to hold the person up as an aberration. It makes me feel like a freak, too. So, I value your reports of suicides, Liz. It’s not too much. It’s just enough of what I don’t find elsewhere – understanding and real feeling. Sorry, Terry. I disagree with you completely.

The emphasis is mine because that’s exactly what I feel, though before Wendi said it, I never realized that’s how I felt.

liz | 11:05 AM | Uncategorized

Too much suicide?

Terry Boal, who wrote the below, is right — “suicide” is one of my key words. Is he also right that I over-report it? I’d be curious to hear some thoughts on this.

One of your key words must be suicide. Tragic though they may be and close to home as who amongst us grappling with depression hasn’t considered it, I think you are over reporting them. We have all lost friends and are aware when a public figure does themselves in, but the suicide rate even for those depressed is very small. So I think you should reconsider the gratuitous over reporting. There are other issues to deal with such as very often suicide is selfish and cowardly. You are gone but those who loved or cared about you are still around and wonder what there role they played or you may leave children and a partner behind.
Liz I know it is an issue close to your heart as you have been on the verge. Most of us have been but most of us, like you don’t do it.

liz | 8:53 AM | Uncategorized

R.I.P. Benazir Bhutto

I don’t know what to say, other than that I’m so very sad. People on the radio kept saying, “It wasn’t really a surprise.” Maybe not, but that doesn’t make me feel better. I love the photo that accompanies the below Times article.

Benazir Bhutto, 54, Lived in Eye of Pakistan Storm

liz | 1:20 PM | Uncategorized

I take no credit for this post

From Joe:

Sometimes I wonder – Where society too often fails to address the despair, the real life challenges and unmet needs of persons who later commit suicide, is it fair or reasonable to even consider that the answer is going to be found in a pill? Haven’t we gone down this road so many times before? Promises made, promise broken that a new medication or a medication just around the corner will provide all the answers. Can there ever be a pill that warms us when we are cold, fosters meaningful relationships, promotes hope, substitutes for basic needs such as food, clothing and shelter or in itself makes life worth living?

Medications are tools but not all tools. It is the height of hubris when pills alone are considered the answer to all human needs. Those of us who cope daily with a mental illness know better. How many of us have ever thought, “My life would be worth living if I was taking …….?”

And to those who believe the answer is always a pill, I ask what life affirming aspect of your being could be measured in equivalent milligrams of medication?

U of U scientists seek genetic key in state with seventh highest suicide rate

“If you know a gene, then you have a very good hint about a biochemical pathway,” he said, “and there may be medicines on the market to address that biochemical pathway.”

liz | 5:06 PM | Uncategorized

A Jewish Christmas

I was so happy yesterday. I went to the movies (The Savages – see it) and then went to Chinatown (Jade Harbor — yum). I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it’s important to people to preserve or create traditions. There were so many Jewish people at the Ritz movie theater, it was like being in synagogue. I even saw people I grew up with. In the past six or so Christmases, I’ve been with families celebrating in true Christian commercial fashion, which is great, but not something I have a connection to personally. This year I didn’t sit around a Christmas tree, I didn’t open presents, I didn’t spend time with family (my own or anyone else’s). I just had a relaxing and fun day and evening, and it felt good to be free of obligation to a holiday that isn’t my own. It felt really healthy and stress-free.

liz | 11:45 AM | Uncategorized

R.I.P. John Berg

I just learned about the suicide of John Berg, who you’ve seen in countless TV shows like Law & Order, House, Monk, and many others. He was 58, and was found in his home in Van Nuys, California.

Actor John Berg committed suicide, coroner says

[Photo via IMDB.com]

liz | 11:11 AM | Uncategorized

Hostage takers

The New York Times published an Op-Ed piece kind of summing up the whole brouhaha over offensive advertising (pictured). If you didn’t hear about it before, you’ll get the basic picture now.

Marketing Disorder

liz | 8:59 AM | Uncategorized

Happy Sunday news. I think?

I think I’m experiencing a little language barrier here, in that I don’t completely understand … English. How could they know what’s happening this holiday season before the season is over?

U.S. Researchers: Suicide Rates Down By 40 Percent This Holiday Season

liz | 2:24 PM | Uncategorized