More responses to what’s become an interesting discussion of suicide
From Sally:
I don’t know if I’ve posted this before. Once I made a a suicide gesture (that’s what the therapists call it). I had left my ex husband, and was suffering from heartbreak, betrayal, fear, etc. I walked into the bathroom where my mother had left a big bottle of phenobarbital on the counter, looked at myself in the mirror and decided I didn’t deserve to live through such misery and I took the pills. I then went back to my Dad’s office, sat down and waited to die. After a few minutes I walked back in to the bath room, looked myself in the mirror and thought, in the grand scheme of things even if I live to be 100, my life will have been short, I don’t deserve to die. And I called 911. I hadn’t even taken enough pills to get my stomach pumped. But I was lucky that I tried suicide in a way that gave me a chance to change my mind. I’ll never try it again, that was 22 years ago. I’ve lost several people I cared very much about to suicide, people who, using different methods from me, weren’t able to turn back even if they changed their minds.
So I think it’s important to discuss suicide. These days my thinking is along the lines of “suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem,” but I really don’t know. I think somehow reading real-life stories of suicide may change some minds while there’s still time.
liz | 7:45 PM | Uncategorized
I have just been referred to your blog by a friend of mine. I have just had 9 ect treatments and I am more depressed now than I was before. I was expecting not to be depressed and instead I am more depressed because the ect did not work and that was my last hope. I have been depressed for several years now and growing very weary of it. I think about suicide every single day for most of the day. Then I think well what is one more day? Something good might happen. One more day..
To the other Sally: I’ve seen you’re statement “suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem” in a previous reply and it bothered me, as much when I read it then as it does now.
What would be your definition of “short term”? Maybe if you prefaced your statement with the words “for me”, it would sound less like a contemptuous judgement.
I’ve been struggling with severe depression, with several manic episodes thrown in, for the last 37 of my 50 years. It sure doesn’t feel short term to me. Especially since I have a pretty sure idea that it’s not going to end anytime soon.
I have suicidal thoughts a lot. I have attempted suicide several times throughout my life. Even though I think of it more often now than before I had ECT, I also have a different perspective about it. I came to realize that I don’t want to KILL myself, I just sometimes don’t want to be ALIVE anymore. So that most likely is what keeps me from attempting it anymore.
But this has been anything but short term for me.
When I read this comment relating to your “overreporting” of suicide~I nearly choked on my coffee! “Tragic though they may be and close to home as who amongst us grappling with depression hasn’t considered it, I think you are over reporting them. We have all lost friends and are aware when a public figure does themselves in, but the suicide rate even for those depressed is very small.”
What are we all to do~sweep it under the rug a la Virgnia Wolf? If anything..suicide needs more attention, more reporting, more conversation.
I like so many others have said, face it every day. It is as much a part of my everyday thinking as is what to eat that day, or how physical ailments are effecting my emotions and body that day. Suicide for those of us in this unsolicited club; is a constant companion~it never leaves us. And seeing the sunrise every morning is one more victory ~no matter how small over this constant companion.
Keep going Liz~keep reporting, writing, talking. It might be that one day that your message reaches me and stops me from merely thinking to acting.
God Bless you for being brave enough to speak the truth.
Sally kind of makes me chuckle with the following statement especially her noting what “therapists call it.”
“Once I made a a suicide gesture (that’s what the therapists call it).” — Sally
Neither my spouse’s current psychologist nor her current psychiatrist along with all her previous psychiatric professionals referred to any of her very serious suicide attempts as a “gesture.” As a matter of fact we all discussed these acts of desperation as very serious unsuccessful suicide attempts and how to try to prevent future reoccurrences.
I personally would expect the word “gesture” in this context to be coming from someone far less informed as it relates to the seriousness of mental health issues let alone suicide.
Warmly,
Herb
VNSdepression.com
Not to pick on Sally, really, but I cringe whenever I hear that “short term solution” cliche. I really want to make it clear it felt a bit different in Sally’s posting, especially as it was more an aside illustrating her own feelings.
But usually this little cliche is trotted out as some sort of talisman against suicidal thinking. The moment I hear it I know I’m alone in my struggle, that this person really hasn’t the slightest CLUE what I’m going through and that there is no help here.
When you struggle daily for decades with the constant, energy-draining effort to stay alive, suicide is actually a short-term solution to a permanent problem. But, that’s the trouble with serious, long term depression–it’s the world turned upside down. And trying to force someone to turn right-side up simply doesn’t work. The only thing that’s ever helped me is for someone to stand on their head with me. I’m lucky enough to have two people in my life willing to do that with me. Given enough time, we all hope to be standing on our feet together in the future. But yanking and tugging at me to stand up straight, which is what most “helpers” seem to do, just doesn’t help at all. It only isolates.
My struggles are now episodic in nature, thanks to the miracle of belated thryoid treatment. I cannot tell anyone who either hasn’t been through it or hasn’t bothered to listen hard enough, what it is like to be disthymic on an ongoing basis. It’s like having a hole in the bottom of your life. Your every effort drains out faster than you can build anything. The fact there are so many people walking around like this is a tribute to how strong the desire to live really is.
I just simply want to concur with the above posters. The “long term solution” bit is like a company line given by people who haven’t dealt ongoing, unending despair and whose problems really are short term. Sally’s use of the phrase makes me question the intensity of whatever condition ails her.
Andrew,
You are right to question the intensity of what ailed me, it was heartbreak. I got over it. Most suicides occur not because of a long term “mental condition” but because of a sudden event. I don’t pretend to understand the predicament of people who have different experiences from me though I certainly wish the best for folks like SallyT and Sherry who apparently have different experiences. I think Liz does us all a service by presenting different views and experiences.
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