New Feature: Advice Column

Okay, everyone. I’m always getting lots of emails from people asking for advice, whether about meds, family members, course of treatment, or whatever. I resist answering such questions because I’m not a doctor. But with the rise of the peer support movement, and given the fact that I am a Certified Peer Specialist, I’ve decided to start giving advice — with the caveat that I may not know what the hell I’m talking about.

Luckily, I don’t have to go it alone. All of you can offer peer support, as well. We’ve done this informally on this site before, but let’s formalize and think of a name. Is “Dear Liz” too solitary, focusing just on me? I’m having trouble thinking of something else that might catch on. How about “Team Trouble”?

Let’s start with an email from a woman whose details I’m going to change a bit, to protect her identity. She and I discussed the changes, and she’s satisfied that she’ll get the answers she needs from you all. So here’s her story.

Julie lives in Dublin and is the mother of two boys (6 and almost 3 years old). She has a part-time nanny named Mary. I’ll let her take it from here:

Mary cares for our youngest son in our home and occasionally my older son as well. Both boys are very attached to Mary and she has become like a family member to us. Sometime last year Mary seemed really depressed. I expressed concern to a mutual friend who let me know in confidence that Mary was trying to get off of anti-depressant medication. The depression seemed to lift, and in fact, Mary had returned to her meds. Recently, however, there have been a few incidents that have left me questioning Mary’s judgment and consequently, her ability to ensure the safety of my children. I don’t know if this is due to a mental illness, a change in her meds, or something else.

I want to maintain our relationship, provide her with support, and keep her employed as our nanny. The latest incident has me wondering if that is going to be possible.

Last week she called me from a Wal-Mart-style store where she was detained for shoplifting. She had my youngest son with her at the time. I don’t know why he was with her; she had not cleared that with me ahead of time and was in fact more than an hour late returning home when she called me. Mary says she became disoriented in the store and was trying to find the play area for my son to use. The security person claims that she simply walked out and away from the store with merchandise, and walked right by the play area. The security person called the local police, and she was taken to the station house.

I took my son home and then returned to the station house. The police told me she’d said she suffered from bipolar disorder and showed them a bottle of pills. She said the police were lying. The police said this wasn’t her first time at the station for a similar offense. When she was released, Mary called our mutual friend saying she felt suicidal. I returned to her apartment, stayed until she was calm and then left again, though we stayed on the phone for much of the evening. The next day Mary brushed off the entire episode as the result of a not feeling well due to a flu. She does not admit to being on medication or having any mental health illness.

I understand that someone who is trying to have a career in childcare would want to keep their struggle with mental illness to themselves; that they would be fearful of prejudice and ignorance. I feel that if she were to be straightforward with me about her struggles that we could work out a plan that addressed everyone’s needs. Without her candor though, I don’t feel that I am right to have her care for our children. I want to facilitate her seeing my sons, who she cares for very much, in a way that I am comfortable with.

Mary and I have agreed to her taking a month off. How do I assess if she is stable when she returns? How would you go about convincing someone that your intention is to work with them and support them rather than be judgmental of them?

You seem to often draw a parallel to your athsma condition – if I had a caregiver that my children loved but who also had athsma, I would work to structure their time and activities around the needs of both my kids and that person. Can this work the same way?

Okay, Team Trouble, get to work. What can we say to Julie?

[Modded keyboard by Mary Robinette Kowal, who has way more patience than I do.]

liz | 9:02 AM | Uncategorized