Oh, just when you thought the news was all Don Imus and Jon Corzine comes the news about two new important bills pending on Capitol Hill. Our Congresspeople have gotten together to propose two Barbaro-related bills.
Well, the first bill doesn’t mention Barbaro at all, but it is a ban on eating horses. (Well, it’s the actual clever workaround of banning eating horses by banning the transportation of horses for slaughter. Same thing.) And, of course, we would never know about this bill at all if not for Barbaro.
Now, I have absolutely no interest ever in eating a horse. First off, I bet they taste like shit. And anybody who wants to eat a non-Barbaro horse is a little off in my book. But I believe every American should have the God-given right to eat whatever animal they want, even bald eagles. (Especially bald eagles! What better way to celebrate freedom than by eating it!)
How, exactly, did Congress come to the conclusion Barbaro’s athleticism was “unparalleled”? Did they race him against Carl Lewis in a simulator and decide Barbaro was the greatest athlete ever? Did Barbaro dunk a basketball over Shaq? How many 50-goal seasons did Barbaro have? (Answer: 3.) How was Barbaro’s spirit less wavering than, say, Adam Taliaferro? Is there a quiz the candidates for “least wavering athlete” had to take?
Exactly why does Congress need to thank Barbaro for capturing the imagination of racing fans in America and around the world? I assume they mean to assert that racing fans in America are unhinged kooks and who knew what they’d do if they didn’t have an heroic horse to rally around and post poems about. But around the world? I can only guess this means Islamic terrorists were going to attack the U.S. Congress building, but were distracted by Barbaro’s plight and decided to lay down their arms instead.
Would a horse understand a human being’s thanks? Check that: Would a dead horse understand a human being’s thanks?
Above Average Jane has a nice rundown of the Barbaro bills, including a list of what the local reps co-sponsored.
Hmm. They’re all guilty, all of ‘em — though I commend Bob Brady for supporting Barbaro but thinking people should be allowed to eat him — although Murphy and Schwartz get a little bit of a pass for not co-sponsoring That Damn Horse’s tribute bill. Those two will be Pennsylvania’s two senators one day, you just watch.
Allyson Schwartz, Barbaro, Bob Brady, Chaka Fattah, Jim Gerlach, Joe Sestak, Patrick Murphy, U.S. Congress