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The Daily News Shows Us How You Finish A Story Properly

The Daily News lets us know today about wrestler Michael Taris, who allegedly intentionally fell at a 7-Eleven in hopes of collecting damages.

After the story was turned in, an editor walked out to the newsroom and told writer William Bender he needs just one more sentence to fill the space. “Write to the line!” the editor bellowed. “And make it quick!”

I know this because that’s the only way one could possibly come to this stellar last paragraph:

Taris, who formerly wrestled for the World Wide Wrestling Alliance, now wrestles for the National Wrestling Superstars, authorities said. He also worked for Premier Escort Services as a male dancer and as a massage therapist for Massage for Men (M4M), where he went by the name “Sean.”

Now that’s the kind of article closer you could only get in the Daily News. (The Bucks County Courier Times article, you see, added one more sentence after the massage revelation: “National Wrestling Superstars promotes more than 50 family-style wrestling events throughout the year in New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania and Delaware, according to the organization’s Web site.” I think family-friendly wrestling is the less honorable profession here.)

Attorney general/Internet perv detector Tom Corbett has a release on his site about it if you really need more info. And, hey, how the hell did Pennsylvania manage to get attorneygeneral.gov, anyway?

Wrestler ‘falls’ on hard times, arrested [DN]

Recent Philly.com Fronts

Last night:

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Oh no, Chuckles the giraffe died! What’s going to be even wackier is when the Philly.com staff has to attend Puzzles’ funeral and the one staffer who didn’t get why it’s funny suddenly can’t stop laughing during the service.

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Conservative Paper Prints Wrestler’s Endorsement

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The Bulletin recently reneged on its long, almost three-year promise not to endorse political candidates, and it’s clear they’re drunk with power. Pretty much anybody can get his endorsement printed now:

While former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee might have missed out on the endorsements of Pat Robertson, Paul Weyrich and Bob Jones III, recent endorsements by Chuck Norris and pro wrestler Ric Flair demonstrate his endorsements are the toughest bunch on the block.

“It’s a tremendous honor to offer my support to such an outstanding leader as Mike Huckabee,” Mr. Flair said. “His authentic conservative qualifications and level of executive leadership experience are unmatched by his opponents.”

Personally, I’m waiting to see if both Bushwhackers back the same candidate. That will let me know which one is the winner.

WWE Pro Wrestler Ric Flair Endorses Huckabee [The Bulletin]
Pro Wrestling Legend Endorses Huckabee, We Cover It [Wonkette]

Pro Wrestlers Stronger Than Singers, Study Finds

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Congratulations to the Atlantic City Press for the lead of the day:

WILDWOOD – Imagine WWE Raw superstar Umaga [at right, apparently--dmac] taking on 1950s singing sensation Little Anthony and the Imperials.

Chances are Umaga, the 350-pound heavyweight, could make quick work of the group with the aid of his famed Samoan Spike.

In another Press lead today, we learn that Atlantic City’s acting mayor does not have two heads, he merely has one.

Atlantic City’s acting mayor is one head wearing two hats [Press of AC]
Fifties Weekend sets Wildwoods Convention Center attendance record [Press of AC]

Shocking News: Pro Wrestler Violent

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On Friday, Metro interviewed “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, pro wrestler and star of The Condemned, which nobody went to see when it opened this past weekend. (Steve Austin, apparently, believes in global warming because “it seems like it just keeps getting warmer and warmer.”) The interview opened with this:

The White House has been searching for a new war czar in Iraq. If you were war czar, what would your strategy be?

Hell, I’d say — you want me to take a hard stand on this thing?

Sure.
I’d say, bomb ‘em. I’d just bomb the hell out of them, that’s my take on it. The long story short, just drop the bomb on ‘em.

With talk like that, you’d think Stone Cold would actually be named new war czar in a day or two. But all this interview did, apparently, was enrage an emailer, who wants more diplomacy from our nation’s pro wrestlers.

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High School Principal To Fight Old Men

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Council Rock South 10th grade principal Nick Indeglio will be returning to his roots as a wrestler tonight. He’ll be fighting Samu, who is 43. All the proceeds go to charity, etc.

Other wrestlers on the card include:

No doubt, this will be the highlight of the year for Bucks County.

Buxco High School Principal Re-Ignites Pro Wrestling Persona [KYW 1060]

Expert And Pro Wrestler: Head Trauma Tied To Waters’ Suicide

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A story by Alan Schwarz in The New York Times cites an expert who examined late Philadelphia Eagles defensive back Andre Waters’ brain and said his suicide was tied to brain damage he suffered as a player due to concussions.

Waters’ brain, said Bennet Omalu of Pitt, had degenerated to that of an 80-year-old man with similar characteristics to that of early stage Alzheimer’s victims. Had he lived, the doctor said, “Andre Waters would have been fully incapacitated” in 10 to 15 years.

It’s all very sad, and a very great article, and highly recommended. It’s also recommended for this twist: The man who first offered the theory of Waters’ suicide tied to brain damage is none other than Christopher Nowinski, better known as WWE wrestler Chris Harvard. (His gimmick was that he was from Harvard, where he did graduate from.) Nowinski was forced to retire from wrestling after suffering a concussion. He contacted Omalu and Waters’ family and helped set everything in motion.

(One wonders if other wrestlers will soon step to the plate and advocate their own causes. I can see Bret Hart contacting doctors about knee disease, Ric Flair advocating a cure for hair whitening, The Undertaker advocating for more fairness in coffin prices, etc.)

Nowinski also offers up this quote:

“You don’t usually get brains to examine of 44-year-old ex-football players who likely had depression and who have committed suicide,” Mr. Nowinski said. “It’s extremely rare.”

He’s right, you know.

Expert Ties Ex-Player’s Suicide to Brain Damage [NYT]

Leftovers: Ban Hooligan Marriage

• Lest you think the Joe Vento story was the only time when idiots talk on the news, the Pennsylvania Marriage Protection Act is bringing out stupid comments all over. Especially after yesterday when the Senate version of the bill was amended to not include anything about civil unions. (Which is, uh, a step forward, but still.) [Inky]

• Another advantage of the World Cup: News articles that include the word “hooligan” over and over. [SI.com]

Theft of the day: “Community Christian Day School, Sat-Sun, 12 tricycles, gray with red wheels, from wooden shed, $2,400 value.” [Bucks County Courier Times]

• Hey, ECW’s back! Apparently. But, uh, it might be a bit much: “The project got trickier in the past wek as the Sci-Fi Channel people had a meeting with Vince McMahon. They made suggestions including Martians and Vampires as characters. They also suggested storyline ideas including one where ECW wrestlers would go into other dimensions. Some compromises were reached and the Martians won’t be invading ECW this summer, but there will be a Vampire group.” [Can't Stop The Bleeding]